God Always, Always, Always Has a Plan!

About 5 years ago Calvin was accepted into ABA Therapy.

We were so excited for what this would mean for our family. Finally, someone who would be with him to help him learn how to control his behaviors better, how to function in society, and better interact with others.

Well 6 months into ABA the wheels kind of came off our bus so to speak and we all came to a screeching halt. We received news that our insurance company would no longer consider Calvin autistic because in one evaluation one doctor performed some years before they found that he had been (gasp!) willing to play with more than one teddy bear.

We fought tooth and nail, hired a lawyer, and in the end got no where fast.

Except Nick almost losing his job.

It was a time in my life when I thought I really would lose my mind. The idea that one person somewhere in a glass towered building holds the ability to control a decision that determines whether your child can get help or not is enough to make you want to lose it on someone. Add to that the fact that people kept telling us that if only Nick didn’t have a job and then we’d be able to qualify for medicaid and they would pay for everything.

That didn’t help.

We saw the writing on the wall regarding our loss of insurance concerning Cal’s therapy and sure enough we were politely shown the door.

I was devestated and felt like such a horrible mother. What parent can’t get the help their child needs? Who does that?

It was a horrible time. It was something I wrestled with for about a year and then truly the only things that helped to lessen the pain was a very sympathetic doctor and time. There were still twinges of hatred, remorse, and bitterness but slowly through time and prayer God took those things and showed me that he still cared for Cal infinitely more than I do and ultimately he has a plan for him. Nothing had changed to God, the world had just changed the circumstances around us.

Fast forward to five years later and we’re to right about now. Me sitting here with you. Things are going well. Cal has had some major leaps and bounds and without ABA therapy is still a remarkable kid.

Then there was last week…It was a shock to me when we were cruising around the Bend and I heard him and Emma start talking about when he gone to ABA therapy. He had always hated that particular place he went for ABA and refused to talk about it which is why it made my ears perk up.

And that’s when I head about it…

He told a story to his sympathetic sister that made my eyes instantly well up with tears. The long and short of it was that while he was enrolled he had a teacher whom he did not get along with who would basically make fun of him and how he did things.

Things like not being able to move his arms properly when he walked.

I suddenly realized that this was why (or at least the tip of the iceberg to who knows why) he didn’t like that place or even want to talk about it. This teacher had teased him and he ended up feeling humiliated and hurt.

My baby bear.

Friends, I want to tell you that last week in the car, hearing this, I could see God’s hand on our lives in that moment.

It suddenly all seemed to clear.

This.

This was why our insurance cancelled his ability to get therapy. What I had viewed as a horrific situation was, in fact, God taking care of our son who had had no words to tell us what was going on.

I still ugly cry at how good our savior is.

He is that.

He saved our son.

And so I hope this story can bring you hope in not just a journey with autism but whatever situation you may face. It may seem like the rug was pulled out from you. And you have landed hard. Maybe you landed in a situation that you never felt you would ever have to go through.

But God has a plan. He is going to bring you through. And maybe he was saving you from something you couldn’t see or he’s taking you to a place you don’t even know exists. Whatever it is the point is that God is orchestrating our lives if we will just lean into Him and trust Him to work.

He’s a saving God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

— Jeremiah 29:11

Learning Time Management...even with Autism and ADHD!

Y’all. I’ve got to tell you. I love my kids. I think they are the coolest, most amazing kids ever. This is how moms are supposed to be, right? We all think this about our kids which I think is so amazing about mothers and motherhood. We all have these rose-colored kid glasses on and we think our kids are great and we know that our kids can do anything they want. This is how love should be. This is what love looks like.

I say all of this in the midst of the early morning while they both are snoozing upstairs. Yesterday was a peaceful day of laundry (on my part) and playing (on their part) and we all ended the day being snuggly and wonderfully happy. Summer days are wonderful for this kind of relaxation in schedule and in losing track of time.

But…

Not all days are like this. So many days are hard and painful. Difficult and stupid. Those are the days when things do not go as planned and when all of our expectations are not met.

As I have done this for years now, the ebb and flow of life itself, I have taken the time to step back and evaluate what makes the bad days bad in an effort to correct and tweak. Any corrections can make bad days better. That is what life is about.

One of the biggest things that I have discovered makes our bad days horrible is a lack of time management. We are all given the same amount of time in each day and no matter what we do, there is no way to obtain more time. There is no rollover plan. We can’t take hours from a lazy day and use them on a day when things are hectic and crazy. It doesn’t work that way. The only thing we can do is to figure out how to manage our time to make the most out of our days and to get the most done or to do our best with the time that we have.

We all have different ways that we manage our time. I know that I am obsessed with my planner and am even more so when times are hectic. However, not everyone works that way.

Emma tends to have a lot of the same brain wiring as I do. Some things are different though. For Calvin, things are a lot different than me. Which isn’t a bad thing but for me I have to work actively to come up with things to try to help him manage his time better. Some things work well and others do not. Like life, it is all trial and error. Thankfully after being a mom for 13 years I’ve figured out some things that work.

5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute remaining

Since my kids were little I’ve done this. I’ve noticed as they have aged they’ve been able to start doing feeling this on their own. When I tell them 5 minutes are remaining they can pretty well gauge when that time is up. When I tell them one minute is left they can feel when they need to be done with their time and move on.

Enter the visual timer

Especially when the kids were younger and couldn’t tell time very well (or at all!) we used this all of the time. Now we enjoy using it for things like piano practice and other things that they may not particularly enjoy doing every time and therefore the time seems to forever drag on. I enjoy that there is a feature for the light to turn to from green to yellow to red so there is a middle time and they can kind of gauge their time remaining using those.

Magic Toothbrush App

So this is of course for teeth brushing only but we like it to manage time spent on teeth brushing. This is an app where you push the go button and a toothbrush starts to clean foam from the screen to reveal a picture. Where the brush on the screen is brushing shows you were you should be brushing in your mouth. We love it! I love that I can know my kids are spending enough time brushing their teeth when they use it rather than 22 seconds and then they try to be done.

A Planner

This one is only for Emma…so far. I might try to get Calvin on the planner train but right now I think it would be more work than it would be helpful.

Emma on the other hand LOVES her planner. I surprised her when June camps were over with a new student Happy Planner. She uses it all of the time. It is a fun thing that her and I do together. We like to sit down and put stickers in our books and think of all of the ways to decorate. It’s an outlet for our creativity and it forces us to think of what is coming up in the upcoming days and to really focus and plan for things. It also has helped us to live intentionally through our life which I love. For time management it has helped her because she writes down all of her homework and activities to do and can visually see what all she needs to get done. It has helped her to not put things off until later that night and then forget she had plans and become frustrated.

Emma struggles with ADHD. With girls it is sometimes so hard to discern. With Emma her struggle with time management manifests itself in her becoming so, so frustrated with herself. It is hard to watch her beat herself up about missing deadlines or over committing herself to projects. The planner has really helped her and has helped me to aide her.

The Old School or Cell Phone Timer

Just a classic timer has helped us so much. Before things could take the kids forever. Now I will put a timer on for, say 30 minutes, and whatever math they get done in that time is what we get done. If I feel they didn’t put much effort into their work then I will start doling out homework but for the most part they work hard and stay diligent in their tasks. This gives them the peace of mind to only have to do math for 30 minutes and doesn’t make them frustrated when math takes them 2 hours and they still have a whole day of work to do.

Garmin Vivofit Jr.

We purchased one of these for Emma for Christmas. She had been begging for one.

We finally caved and I must say that we have been really happy with it. It has a stop watch feature and a timer She uses the time feature all of the time and I love that is has an alarm.

We will have her set it when they have electronic time so they know when their time is up. For her classes in homeschooling I will give her an amount of time to work on something and she sets the timer.

It also has reminders for chores and other things which helps her to keep on task and to remember what she needs to be doing.

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So those are the things that our family uses to help us stay on task and help our kids with time management. Who am I kidding? And us! I use the cell phone timer ALL of the time!

If you have pointers or tips for things that help your family manage time better, please let me know! I am always looking for things that will help us to live more intentionally and use our time the best we can!

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The Other Shoe Has Dropped

Well it is here.

We are back to where we started from and yet somehow wondering how we got here.

A while back I wrote about how great things were going. How well we were doing with Cal’s behaviors and how it was all sunshine and puppy dogs.

Well throw that out the window because those days are over.

To put it mildly things have been horrendous. Please let me state that life with autism has been horrendous. As hard as it is to understand the differentiation that does not mean that Calvin is horrendous. Our Calvin is great.

I always wonder and contemplate if things truly are worse than I remember them being before or, if it is because we had the good time and so now comparing the good times to the now not so good times exasperates the bad to make it seem magnified in its badness.

Does any of this even make sense to you?

I don’t like to say Cal is bad. Because he isn’t. I mean, the kids no Charlie Sheen or anyrhing. But… Ornery, perturbing, and not meaning to be rude are also words we can say.

There’s this small part of me that thinks that maybe this is just adolescence but if it is then I want my money back because this is a horrible show.

There are so many extremes in life where I am thinking “life is such a gift” and then other times where I’m on here saying “life’s a crap shoot, here ya go. It stinks right now. Bye”.

I am sure you all love the inconsistency of our life here.

But that is the reality of life, isn’t it? And here’s to truthful.

I have found in this autism journey that it sucks being a parent on this journey.

Can we all stop the platitudes about how life is so wonderful and honestly talk about how hurt my feelings are 1000 times a day by a little boy who sometimes is just a prick and doesn’t seem to care.

Can we all talk about how the moms and dads need some support and understanding

And for God’s sake if I hear one more person ask me if I’m sure, like really sure, that Cal is autistic I am going to scream.

Yes, we’re sure but thanks I guess for thinking I’m out of my mind.

In case you’ve wondered that other shoe I was waiting for to drop when everything was blissfully peaceful, has now dropped. And here we are. Again trying to figure out new medicines to make the lows a little more not so low and the behaviors something we can manage and parent through rather than a trauma situation over the wrong olive placement at the pizza place.

Who even eats olives on pizza.

Gross.

Dear Mommas of Autistic Babes...

There have been times in my life when I didn’t know if I would see another day. Seriously. There were days when having an autistic child would nearly kill me. I never knew it could get better. there were times when I wanted to run away and never be a mother again.

I get it. Mothering an autistic child, a “wonder” as we call our sweet son, was horrible. I’m not here to sugar coat it. Whether I was going through a bout of depression, whether it was simply the stage of our family life we were in, or whether it was a combination of the two possibilities, nothing felt easy and everything felt as though it were becoming progressively harder each and every day.

For years.

Years.

Then 10 happened. 10 was a wonderful year. Our sweet boy suddenly started becoming funny. Or funnier I guess I should say. Not just funny but hilarious. He learned joke telling and the art of having good timing. At the same time he learned to stop freaking out about everything and we one day found ourselves on the other side of things. We no longer found a need to give him medication. We were having meaningful conversations with him and we were able to go for long bouts with him not needing special treatment or aides. It was amazing.

10 years. 10 long years and I had forgotten what it was like to have a child who didn’t need my every waking moment. Who could have fun and have a willy nilly schedule. Suddenly everything was okay. I was no longer on pins and needles waiting for an outburst or a flair up or a meltdown. It was okay if I forgot his juice. We could get through lunch if I used the wrong kind of jam.

Since Cal just turned 11 and an entire year of our new carefree life has gone by, I am starting to exhale. I’m no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop or for things to quickly fall apart like they always do. I’m enjoying my family and our life and our love again.

This has been a long time coming. I want to tell you all this message. This is a message of hope in the journey and a message of redemption from the mess of life.

To the Mommas of Autistic babes: please, hang in there. Did you hear me? To those who are out there, hang in there.

It will get better. I promise. God will not overlook you. He has not abandoned you no matter how bleak your dark days may seem.

I write this because I wish I had known this. As a mother sitting on the floor of the bathroom sobbing, I saw no end in sight. I presumed this ebb and flow of bad days and horrible days was to be the making of all of my days. No one told me that we would have stretches of weeks that we would go without problems. That our only care would become our children fighting and bickering like typical adolescent siblings. I never thought we would come to a day when he would care what his hair cut was much less want to help pick out his clothes based on the current trend and not on whether or not his pants could have an elastic waist. No one understands quite like a parent of an autistic child just how nerve wracking the parenting game can be. Everything is up in the air all of the time. Everything is chaotic and yet somehow must be made orderly in an effort for the chaos to not overtake every day.

But those days have come. And oh, how blissful. I feel like we are prize fighters. We have fought tooth and nail to get to where we are today. I endured days that included eight hour stretches of blood curdling screaming, so I can have a little boy who assembles kiwi crates and tells me the differences between Yoda and Obi Wan. Cal fought tooth and nail to teach himself how to talk…to somehow get his brain to communicate with his mouth to speak the thoughts into words that he had formed in his mind. He endured this so he can tell funny jokes to his family over the dinner table. We still have our hard days, our difficult weeks, our weary moments, don’t get me wrong. But we have won.

We have gone back into our corners as champions. But there are some of you who are just coming into the ring to start your fight. Your battle. Your everyday. Please know this…it will be hard. There will be days you will want to quit, to run away and not face this anymore. There will be days you are tired and battle weary. But you cannot quit. You cannot be done. And it will get better.

I have sat down to write this letter to you so many times. Mommas please know you are in this to win this. This is not a meaningless battle. The days are long but the years truly are short. And maybe it will be years from where you are, but things will get better. I am here for you. The other mommas who have been through this are here for you.

Hang in there. It gets better.

The Hard Autism Days

I wrote this last week, enjoy:

Today was a bad day. 

Don't get me wrong, we've had worse.  But this was definitely one of our dark days. 

For those of you who may be new here, our son Calvin has Autism.  At times it is high functioning, "I never would have known he was autistic!" Autism, but nevertheless, Autism.  If you're interested in reading more about our story, you can read an article in the Family Magazine about us here.

For the past few months I've been in more or less a fairyland.  We've been doing great as a family in terms of dealing with one another.  I was feeling like we had accomplished some major social feats and we were making great strides in the world of autism. 

In fact at our last appointment with Cal's "special doctor"  I had explained it somehow like this: "He's been doing so great...do you think he even has autism?"

I'm pretty sure if she had been drinking soda it would have come out of her nose, "yeah, he still has autism" our doctor reported. 

And today, our carriage turned back into a pumpkin and I was transformed out of fairy tale land. 

The reality is this: I can plan a day of fun like we did today and then I can watch it fall apart when Cal can't handle whatever it is he can't handle.  Our reality is that frequently autistic kids have very concrete things that push them over the edge but Cal many times has lots that are inconsistent.  And when these days happen he goes non-verbal, so there's not a lot of communication that occurs to help us help him. 

Today, MLK Jr. Day we went to Indianapolis on a road trip to go to a ton of activities that were free today.  Chaching!  You know this Momma likes to save some money!  I even had contacted a friend from youth group and was so excited at the idea of being able to meet up for a quick chat and hug! But after the first stop (to the Children's Museum which I thought he would LOVE!) I could tell that this was going to be a no good, very bad day. 

To some it would seem like we should just pack up and go home.  I mean, if we know that the kid is having a bad day why stay there and continue to make a mess of the day?  Well friends, there is this one little girl who is our daughter and she was very excited to be going to these things. 

It's always a catch 22 with being a parent of an autistic child.  I've come to see that through Emma's eyes, she gets the short end of the stick so many times.  I'll say that again, so.many.times. 

So we stayed and tried to make the best of the day. 

The more momming I do I find that I struggle with writing these posts.  As Cal gets older I don't want to embarrass him or make him feel awkward.  But I write these to show you: 1) it's not all fun and games over here like so many people think it is (how you would ever think that is beyond me!) and 2) I want to encourage other Momma's that are in the midst of this.  I think we need all of the encouragement we can get!

There was once a season of my motherhood that regrettably, I made autism all about me...how I was not cut out to be the mom of a special needs son, how hard my life was, how unfair all of this is.  How life sucks sometimes. Pity party, pity party.

This starts to put me back in the same feeling.  I feel like I want to just pout about how this ruined our day and how we're going to backslide.

But I'm not going to. 

Because ever so slowly I'm learning to recognize a bad day for just that and not a bad life. 

And if Cal makes me have a hard day then that means he's having an even harder day than I am. 

We have great days too and I need to remember those.  Cling to those.  Hope for those. Expect those.  I was blessed to have a photo shoot with the renown photographer, Katie Whitcomb.  She captured some really beautiful moments of our life together as a family.  When things seem bleak these photos help me to remember that a bad day is just a bad 24 hours.

God has put me on this path to be this sweet boy's Momma.  I say "sweet boy" now and repeat it because those are the words that are hard to come to me as he's smashing his skull against my face while I try to comfort him...

The Lord has put me in this path to comfort you that, if you are in the season I've passed through, where it seems like life is against you, the cards are stacked in someone else's favor, it's never going to get better, I can tell you, it's just a bad day, week, season, month, year, whatever. 

It's going to be get better. 

It doesn't have to be forever. 

So I am sure if I wake up tomorrow thinking it's going to be another bad day then it is in fact going to be another bad day.  But I know that the Bible tells us His Mercies are New Every Morning.  Meaning, I get a fresh start! 

So I am choosing to chalk this off as one of those bad days, I probably had WAY too high of expectations for today anyway. So I will choose to wake up expecting nothing but the best from myself, my son, and from our God. 

Because Hard Autism Days are just that...hard. Autism.days.

And even though that's my reality, I wouldn't trade that for anyone else's fairy tale for anything.

Anything.

What I'm Loving on this Monday

Hey y'all!  Hope you had a great weekend!  Ours was a weird combo of being super duper busy but still managing to get a ton done and home and starting the week feeling relaxed and refreshed.  Believe me, that miracle doesn't happen often around here!

I thought I would share with you a few things I'm digging this morning as we are getting our day off the ground....

Um, coffee!  Nick bought me some Door County coffee for me and had it sent to me while he was out of town with business last week.  So thoughtful.  Of course it is Pumpkin Spice...my fave! Also, I am doing the Trim Healthy Mama eating plan which I LOVE!  but the one thing I miss so much is Pumpkin Spice Creamer.  I use real cream and stevia in my coffee these days so the flavored coffee allows me to still have the taste.  It's the best Jerry, the best!

Adorbs outfits as Emma would call them!  This weekend I went up to the attic and got down the seasonal clothing bin (I buy so many of them I have a bin dedicated to holiday outfits. So handy and then they aren't taking up room in their closets when it's not time for them!).  I brought down all of the Halloween outfits and I was so excited to see this one because I bought it in the spring and had completely forgotten about it.  So much fun!  There's also a matching outfit for her American Girl doll.  I am having a blast dressing her like this and she is still not complaining about how I dress her (Thank you, thank you Jesus!)

Isn't she just the cutest?

This sweet boy was a champ with his spelling this morning!  This year we switched to Spelling Workout curriculum.  Cal is a level C and Emma is a level E.  Isn't that cute how that worked out?  Anyway, they both had tests this morning so he was having a quick review before we dove into it. 

It's been an amazing curriculum and they both seem to really enjoy it. Anyone else using this?

This visual timer.  Wow am I loving this thing today. 

I bought this for Cal about 3 years ago.  He hated it.  We tried it for time frames such as when he needed to get dressed but he would take the batteries out and hide them and then hide the timer and then it didn't work.  Funny how that works, right?

But this year we've been using it a lot with school.  Emma loves to use it for her work.  15 minutes of spelling?  She just sets the timer and it dings at her when her time is up. Easy-peasy.  If you have kiddos who struggle with transitioning from activity to activity or need a little help keeping track of their time, this thing is great!

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Well that's it...a quick list of things I'm loving today as we are quickly diving into the week!  Can't wait to see all that is in store for us this week.  I think it's going to be an amazing week here and I hope it is for you as well! 

Comment below with any fun plans you have :) 

A Letter To My 10-Year Old Daughter

Dear Kazoo,

I cannot believe that you are ten. 

Ten. 

Wow. 

I know that parents say that so often that to be honest, when I see it on social media, I just kind of roll my eyes and blur over it all because we all keep saying it. 

Grandma Peg told me that my time with you would be over before I know it and she sure was right.  Like sand, I feel like I am watching time slip through my fingers faster than I can do anything about it.

In only 8 years you will be leaving the nest.  For bigger and brighter things.  To live out your hopes and dreams, to spread your wings and fly. 

8 years probably seems like a lifetime to you and a microwave warm up to me.  We've got all kinds of development between then and now to go through.  Things to love and things to hate.

With that in mind I thought I would send you this letter and let you know all of the many, many things going on in my head. 

-I first and foremost want to say thank you.  On behalf of your autistic brother and your Daddy and I, we thank you for being the kind of sibling and daughter that anyone would be proud to have.  You take on the role of sibling to a special-needs child with such grace and dignity.  I have no idea how we would have gotten through everything without you.  You always seem to know when to cut your brother some slack and when he needs to be reeled back in.  You always tolerate, always teach, always protect, and always, always love in ways that blow us away.  We know it stinks sometimes when your things get broken, your feelings get hurt, your turn isn't realized.  We want you to know that we are trying to be fair.  In reality, it isn't always going to be. But we love you even more for understanding that and being okay with it.  That's where we need God's grace and you get that too. 

-In the coming years we are going to have to expose you to some hard topics. You think weed means a dandelion. You have no idea what sex is.  You think "butt" is a cuss word. You think the signs "don't drink and drive" mean not to drink Pepsi while driving home from Taco Bell.  Your naivety is what we have craved for you to have in this world.  But Daddy and I figure it's probably best to expose you to these things eventually rather that drop you off at the doorstep of William and Mary to just let you figure it all out. So we're going to have to have some worldly talks.  Some exposure.  It makes me want to throw up thinking of explaining sex, drugs, and rock and roll to you, but we will. Because we love you and we want what's best for you.

-We want you to know that to the ends of the earth we will love you.  No matter what weird experimentation you go through.  No matter who you find out you are.  We will love you to the ends of the earth and back.  You will always be our favorite and our best.

-We know you want to be a vet but here's the thing.  Nothing in this world comes easily.  Nothing.  Please be prepared to work your tail off for what you want.  Don't let anyone get in your way or try to discourage you.  You will fall.  You will fail.  You will want to quit.  Don't.  Don't ever quit.  Pull that competitiveness out of you and use it to get what you want.  We promise it will all be worth it.

-Please don't try to grow up to quickly.  Stop it.  Knock it off.  It's all a lie.  All of it.  We know you want your own cell phone and you think it's cool to have an ipad and headphones and dance around.  But please don't put the American Girls away just yet. Don't forget how fun it is to spin in a pretty dress.  Don't let the world make you someone you aren't.  Remember, you can be as young as you feel, not as old as you are real.

-Above all please remember to just follow God's will.  Like I've always told you, my life is so much better than I ever could have imagined it to be.  All because I did what God wanted me to do.  I followed Him.  I promise, do what He wants;  Seek him.  Be in love with Him.  And life will beat your best dreams on a good night.  Cross my heart, kiss my elbow.

-Remember how you love our home?  How you call it a peaceful mansion?  How you say it's your favorite place in the world?  Well, it's not going anywhere.  It will always be here with open arms.  So you can drag your drunk, goth-clad self home from college if you need and we'll be here with a strong cup of coffee and open arms.  Because we are family.  And family sticks together.

I hope you have the best tenth birthday ever. I hope you dance and twirl and giggle and whirl.  We're going to party, as you always misquote and say, like it's 1799.  Sure, we'll get our petticoats swinging around.

We love you Kazoo!  Happy Birthday to you!

How Autism Has Made Me Aware...

Every April I'm usually all over Autism Awareness month.  It's felt like if a treky had some Star Trek month they got to relish in all month long.  These are my people.  This is my tribe.

But this month I've been having a hard time with Autism Awareness Month. 

Perhaps I'm a bit perturbed about Autism keeping me from having one night of rest for the past 8 years.

Or maybe I've just had it with the tests and diagnosis and appointments and reminders and therapists and behaviourists and specialists and pharmacists and medicine runs and visual aids that are all needed to try to get us through one.single.day. at a time.

It could be that I'm just so frustrated with everything.  Cleaning the same messes over and over again.  The same arguments.  The same whatever every day.

So upon a lot of self reflection I think I have come to the meaning behind my begrudging Autism Awareness:

It came when I saw a really good article about Autism.  It was all about how autism is diagnosed vs. how autism is in the reality.  One of the examples was something like Autistic kids may not interact in peer groups but the reality is that Autistic kids often find the universe more stimulating than interacting with peers.

What an awesome perspective!  And so in reading this I have to admit that I began to feel twinges of guilt.  I think the reason is because I have not been looking for the silver lining of the Autism cloud. 

Quite frankly I've been a Debbie Downer of autism.  Talking all about how awful it is. How much it has affected my life.  How we struggle.  How we don't sleep. 

And let me tell you, all of those things are true.  I'm praying for the day that one day they won't be. After all, I think it would be really cool to get a full nights sleep.  I'm a big dreamer like that. 

But when it is all said and done we are still here with this elephant on our shoulders.  And I am getting pretty fed up with complaining about the elephant. 

It's not going anywhere.  It's been here for 8 years so I guess it is time to stop complaining about it and start talking about how cool the elephant is. 

Afterall, Autism is awesome.

I never thought I would be in a place that I could type that last sentence.

I've cursed autism and tried to tp its house a few times.

It always calls the cops.

Lame.

But aside from that I am learning that it is pretty great.

Like that Cal imagines things and could care less about what people think of him.

Or how he is so loving.  In the photo above he begged me to take a picture of him with all of his friends, isn't that just so presh?

Or that when we fight and yell he just walks around the house yelling "family sticks together" over and over and over.  It's from lilo and stitch and it always, always, always brings everything back together.

Or that one time when his sister got mad and decided to run away from home.  He threw on boots and a coat and followed her out the door.  He is loyal to the very core to that sweet little sister who defends him to the very end. 

He is the smartest little boy in the whole wide world. 

And the silliest.

And the kindest.

And the scaredest.  But we're working on that.

Autism has challenged me to think out of the box in every situation of my life.

Like how I now call chicken ham.  You know, because he doesn't eat birds.

Or how I let him wear brown dress shoes with knee socks with gym shorts.  We're cool like that.  He doesn't care and it takes every fiber in my being to not care either.  But I am doing it.  You know, because they're comfortable.

Autism Awareness month is for all of us to try to stir up awareness about Autism.  Things like, yes my son is still a person who should be treated with respect.  No you can't call my son a retard or I will punch you in the face. 

That kind of stuff. 

But for me it is teaching me how to be aware of just how neat Autism can be. 

And for me that is the best awareness of all.

Riding the Waves of Being an Autism Mom

The other day I had the pleasure to sit down with my childhood bestie and talk Autism. 

I never would have dreamed that being Autism moms would be a common thread between us, but there we sat, spilling our fears, dreams, hopes, and realities of the every day.

She's started down the Autism path more recently than I.  It was when I was sitting with her and I heard myself talking that I realized I've been on this journey with an autism diagnosis for the past four years.

Four years.

In some aspects it seems like it's been much, much longer and in some aspects it seems like it's been a lot less time.

I mean, shouldn't I have this stuff down by pat by now? But I digress..

One of the things she asked me was about being a mom of an autistic child she said something like "do you find that some days you think it's not so bad, and other days you're crying and it's horrible. Some days I don't want to believe this is happening and other days it all seems doable and totally okay?"

Um, yes I totally feel that.  All of that.  And in that moment I can see a beach-like scene of all of us Autism moms.  Some are just getting to the water, others are way, way ahead.  And we're all wondering if the others are feeling the same things, going through the same things, fearing the same things, celebrating the same things.

And the answer is yes.  No matter where you are on the path into the water, we're all getting hit with the same waves. 

I associate these emotions and good days and bad days as waves.  Allow me to explain:

When I first became an autism mom I couldn't believe this was happening.  Everything seemed like it was turned upside down: the cleanliness of our house, the amount of doctor's appointments you find yourself going to, the behaviors, the medicines, the fact that everything is different. At first this is the toughest.  It's the first wave you get.  I liken it to just getting your feet wet and getting used to those first waves that are coming onto the shore. It's cold and you're thinking of just going back to the shore where it's dry and warm but you keep going because your feet are already wet and sandy.

At first they seem really brutal but you keep walking further into the water. And you find what was at your feet is small compared to what's now hitting you on your shins and knees.  This is when you've been with a diagnosis for a year or more. You are starting to get used to the idea of having an autistic child.  You try to own it with a sense of pride with license plates, awareness walks, books, and jewelry. Most days you can stand that you have an autistic child now but every once in a while like a pebble rolls over your foot, your remember that under current along your feet, and again you are sobbing that your child has to have autism.  The waves that feel really bad though now are the ones that contain things like self doubt: wondering how you may have caused your child to have autism, guilt: feeling bad about having not being so in love with idea of having a kid with autism.  Other emotions in this level of waves include your patience wearing thin, the reality that insurance is horrible on every level of trying to help a child with autism, and just how utterly exhausting caring for a child with special needs truly is. 

And you feel like you are going to get swept under the water with these waves but you really want to jump the waves so you keep walking into the water. The waves that hit you at your waist are easier to deal with because you dealt with the first two stages so you kind of knew what to expect.  Depression, guilt, denying your child has autism, accepting your child has autism, happiness with progress, frustration at sadness, you can feel it all ebb and flow along the surface and you also know what's going on below.  Some days the waves are calm and days are great, and you have barely any trouble.  Other days the waves are huge and gruesome: trying to wash you away with drowning strength, they can carry you under in a depression that is often a month long struggle.

But still you fight, you want to live, and eventually you come to the surface.  And again you find yourself with these waves that are always present, always multi-leveled actions and movements with no telling which one will affect you the most. 

Today I left an appointment with the Developmental Pediatrician.  We were talking about other diagnosis on top of Autism and Apraxia and ADD.  But I was able to hold my head high.  I felt like I was just dealing with gentle lapping waves that are up to my chin and remind me how close I am to going under but the gentle movement makes me feel calm and secure.  Perhaps tomorrow they'll swallow me whole and I'll drown in sorrow and resentment for a while.

But for now I'm in the water, I'm swimming my swim and I'm okay.  That's my victory for today.

So for those of you who are just starting on the path into the water, just keep walking into the waves.  It's going to be okay. I promise.  I'm out in the shark infested waters inviting you to jump the waves with me. We'll hold hands and laugh together through this journey...scary waves and all. 

Homeschool Co-op Drop Outs: What I've Learned

So I am a co-op drop out. 

Yep, I'm a cool homeschool mom like that. 

I keep thinking of that song about being a beauty school drop out. 

And yes that probably makes me a dork.  I'm learning to be okay with that.

The truth is that this has been a long time coming.

And by long time I mean about a month.

Here we go with my lengthy explanation.

We started a homeschooling co-op in the fall.  It was a group of other families with the moms teaching and assisting in the classrooms with class periods set up.  The kids went to different classes throughout the day and we had a lunch period in the middle. The co-op set the school year into trimesters. 

The first trimester seemed to go fairly well.  We had some issues but nothing serious in the classroom.  The big part I was having a bit of an issue with was when the second trimester came along, the only heavy weight class the kids were in was Chemistry and the kids were falling drastically behind the class with their homework. It wasn't for lack of trying but they were just not grasping what was being covered.  So I was having to struggle with how to get them to learn it while having them behind and not knowing whether to speed them up to be with the class while not understanding what they were doing or to stay behind to understand but go to class every week with unfinished homework and assignments.

The other classes were nice but they were extra curriculars.  Legos, crochet, etc.  And so by going to co-op I felt that we were kind of missing an entire day that could be used for instruction on fun stuff.  Don't get me wrong, I know they were learning things and having a great time with friends.  But I also knew that behind the scenes we were falling drastically behind in math, grammar, and latin.  Yoinkerdoodles.

I also somehow forget that Calvin has autism.  The summer and autumn we were in a really great cycle.  I don't look at my son and see "autism" plastered over his forehead, he's just him.  But over Christmas break he started being able to not communicate again.  And started stimming again.  And a whole other myriad of things including not having control over the tone of his voice.  So when he's answering you in a good mood he sounds like he sounds irritated and mad at you.  It's difficult on us.  It's super difficult on him.

And I just knew then and there.  There was no way I was going to be able to send him back to co-op like this.  I can't ask mothers to handle this when they have a classroom of other children to help.  I can't ask other children to act like nothing's going on when he's yelling at them for no reason. 

And so we dropped out.  I felt really bad.  I cried.  A lot.  I've asked that they allow us to return if we want but haven't heard what the final "verdict" from the leadership board is. 

But in the end of it, I am holding my head high.

I did what was best for our family.  While it was difficult for me because it might not be the best thing for Emma to leave but it is for Calvin, what that meant was if it's not good for one of us it can't be good for any of us.  It might seem unfair sometimes but we're learning we're a team and we have to stick together.

As a homeschooling mom I am constantly worried about what people think of me.  I don't want others to think I'm a "weirdo" because I homeschool.  I want the other homeschool moms to think I have it all together. Ugh.  it's just a weird place to be sometimes when you carry this title.  But in this instance I felt that I had finally grown mature enough to be able to recognize that this was not working and it wasn't the best fit for our family.

Through this homeschooling journey I swear I am learning as much if not more than the children are.  I'm learning to laugh in the rain, to give myself grace when things get rough, and to see things as trial and error rather than failures when they simply don't work out. 

As I write this we should be at co-op right now.

Instead we dropped out. Before I would have felt like a total failure because of that.

Instead we made it half way through a math lesson today before Calvin went into his quiet corner in the homeschool room and was on his own with his cat for 20 minutes.  Then he went and played piano.  He learned 15 spelling words and successfully wrote legibly two sheets of words for me in handwriting.  All of those are things we wouldn't have gotten done even last week.  I'm considering this a win.

And as a homeschooling mom and an autism mom, I'll take as many wins as I can get.

Happy weekend sweet friends!  Hope you learn to look for wins and to give yourself grace.  Love you!

To check out my blog on a link up with other cool ones click here!

The "Fun" of Christmas with Autism

This isn't one of those posts where I'm all like "Christmas with an Autistic Child is like a dream come true..." because it just stinks.

The case of the stinks starts pretty much right after Thanksgiving. Or rather on Thanksgiving.

Christmas tree getting leads to over load.  Decorating leads to overload.  Cookies lead to overload.  Church performances lead to overload.  Shopping leads to overload.  Everything leads to overload.

And a lot of times people don't see it unless you are in the house with an Autistic child.  THEN I'm sure you see it. 

Our son, Calvin, will fall asleep when he's overloaded.  People say "oh, the poor thing's had a busy day." 

Nope, he just can't take anyone or anything, anymore.

Which is a great coping mechanism until it's 2 am and he's raring to go while punching me in the face to watch this one commercial with him.  Over and over and over and over.

Oh the Christmas joy.

Then there are the times when he doesn't even try to hide his overloaded-ness from anyone.

Take last Sunday in church for example...

Our cute, adorable Emma (who I always seems to describe like Grover) sang in church with some other girls. Nick pulls out his phone to video tape it. 

So here is the next 2 minutes of Calvin, full volume, in church with a somewhat Veruca Salt tone in his voice:

"I knew you had your phone. 

Why can't I play games on your phone?

No cell phones in church!

No cell phones in church!

Let me play games on your phone!

Why not?

No cell phones in church!

No cell phones in church!

You never let me play games in church!"

Oh.sweet.baby.Jesus.

If you seeing me saying this to my son it's not because I don't love him but rather because I am tired of whisper arguing in church after 3 sleepless nights.

Anyway, this is one of those Autism Mom Public Service Announcements to say, if you know someone who has an Autistic child, please cut them a little slack.  We all have a lot on our plates this time of year but for those of us with a child from Autism it takes everything to a completely whole new level. 

Just imagine we're trying to pacify one child so they won't completely fly off the handle at an event or at home and we are trying to make sure the children who don't have autism aren't feeling like the autistic child is spoiled and everything is focused on them and we are trying to plan for every little thing...is aunt so and so wears her strong perfume and they are going to complain loudly about how bad she smells what are you going to do? Or if that dog that they hate is there what are you going to do? Or if other kids want a turn with the toys at Grandma's and they don't' understand, what are you going to to?  We have 18 backup plans with 2 more to have as backup plans to our backup plans.  All that coupled with remembering green bean casserole and wrapping gifts and everything can just feel chaotic and overwhelming.

So if you know a Momma (or a Daddy!) who's little one has Autism, a hug and a starbucks giftcard can go a long way towards making us feel like we're not in this alone.  That you get it.  That you're here for us. 

And if you are celebrating Christmas with a little one on the spectrum please don't be freaked out.  Be understanding but don't treat them with kid gloves.  They will be able to sense it and that alone will feel weird and foreign.  Just be you to them and loving and understanding if they need to back away.  Look for those signs.  The child isn't trying to be defiant or naughty by not wanting to participate or do something but rather that may be their way of shutting down as a coping mechanism to try to avoid overload. We sure love our little ones don't we?  Christmas is so special for them and even if they aren't participating or are struggling, they're still here doing it with us.  They know everything around them and they get it on a deep level, trust me. 

All that being said...

Merry Christmas!  I have a feeling it will definitely not be a Silent Night.

Christmas Tree 2015

Last year we had a great time getting our Christmas tree.  You can read all about it here. 

Our old c7 bulbs died and we had to buy new LED bulbs.  Don't get me wrong, I love them and they're pretty but they just aren't the same.  Here's our picture of the tree last year. 

I had the hardest time trying to explain this to people but while the lights were almost annoyingly bright the tree was dark. Do ya know what I mean?

 So this year this is our tree.  

It pretty much looks the same except this year it's a little glowier.  What's my trick?  Those cheap white twinkle lights.  We took 2 strands of white twinkly lights (100 bulbs per strand) and wrapped them around the trunk of the tree.  Our tree is 9 feet tall and the 2 strands worked great.  So we kept those strictly on the inside of the tree and then on the outside we put our fancy dancy LED lights. 

And this is the result.  I'm loving it!  

Our tree decorating and chopping has been a bit weird this year.  We always go the day after Thanksgiving.  But this year it was rainy and gross so we didn't go until Sunday. So we shopped Friday, decorated the house Saturday, and Sunday we were ready to get the tree.  

Most of us were ready.  This guy was just sleepy or sick or off or something.  He just was not feeling it.  

Here he's standing next to our fire pit.  My in-laws rent us a fire pit every year and we have a tailgating type party with food and drinks and good times. This year friends stopped by and we saw lots of people we know, it was so much fun! 

These kiddos have my whole big heart. Here we are on the tractor tram ride thing. Off to get our tree! 

After searching and searching an searching we found our tree!  It took lots of looking and walking and hunting and backtracking and grumbling but we found it!  And this was the best picture we found because Nick's parents were off looking for their tree, Emma wanted to be with them, so it was the three of us hunting for the perfect tree.  I've gotta tell you though, it was super weird and cray having a picture of just the three of us.  

This adorable guy has the biggest heart and decided that this year it was his year to cut down the tree!  He was so careful with the saw and was all business about it.  

He was trying so hard but it wasn't long before he asked for his Daddy to help.  These guys are so cute together!  

This is a picture of Cal getting to push the tree over.  He yelled "Timber!".  There are some days when I forget that he has Autism.  These days remind me that Autism is something like being left handed. It doesn't define him, it is just part of who he is.  We're not dragging it behind us like some type of cumbersome burden but rather it's just him, pushing a tree over and laughing.  

And just as easy as that we are ready to go!  

These cute guys are all throughout the forest and the kids love spotting them as we ride through on the tractor ride to the trees and then back to the firepit.  

And then it was time to eat and warm up by the fire!  By the way Cal here is eating a gluten free cupcake from the King Arthur Flour brand.  They are so super yummy and moist!  

There's my PSA, go buy this cake mix if you are gluten free.  Yum! 

After lots of snacking we came home and got to decorating!  Who doesn't love to decorate the tree? It was so much fun!  We got all of the decorations down before so the kids weren't sitting around waiting for us to find the decorations. 

So there was our Christmas tree experience this year!  

And our 25 day countdown to Christmas started yesterday!  Did y'all get started on a countdown or an advent calendar?  Let me know in the comments, I love all of your ideas!!!  

Learning to Celebrate Autism

My blog description says that I have a dab of Autism thrown in but lately I haven't been speaking the language of Autism lately.  

I think I've been hiding from Autism. 

Is that even possible? 

Not so much. 

Well I've been trying to.  I don't think it's been going very well but, oh well, I'm a gal who likes to try new things. 

For those of you who are new here, our son, Cal, is seven and was diagnosed with Autism when he was four-ish.  So we've been figuring it out for a little while.  We've been through a myriad of therapies and counseling and services and oils and supplements and anything and everything (it's felt like ) that we could get our hands on. 

When he was very first diagnosed we took him off gluten and anything else we thought that might help.

But nothing happened. 

So we resumed life and tried to figure out our life with our shiny new diagnosis.

Then this past year everyone kept saying "you really should take him off gluten", "you should really try gluten free" and I thought thanks you hippies but we've been there, done that and nothing happened.  It did seem to keep coming up though so we figured we'd give it a whirl maybe someday a long, long way down the road. 

But towards the end of the summer I was at my wit's end with the kid.  He was hitting and destructive and there seemed to be no end in sight.   He was like a human tornado. 

So one month I was out monthly shopping and I saw these great Bob's Red Mill mixes on sale.  And before I knew it I had sixteen gluten free mixes in my cart and I had sent a text message to Nick saying "we've gone gluten free. Deal." You can tell we're really in love,right?

And guess what?  The gluten free diet is working!  Working, I tell ya, working! I'm so thrilled to tell you all about that sometime but seeing as my vast knowledge basically spans me telling you it works and I'm happy...that's about it. 

I can tell you that is has helped him to be so much more vocal and to show us his emotions. When before he felt excluded by neighbor friends he would punch or kick or throw something.  Now he comes in with big crocodile tears to throw himself in my arms and talk incoherently about it until I can calm him down and work through what he could do in the situation. 

For those of you who are Mommas or more specifically, autism Mommas, I know you are smiling and nodding with me because as much as we never want our kiddos to be sad, you know that that is indeed a very, very good thing. 

Anyway, Monday we were at therapy; which even that I've been in denial about.  Cal goes to therapy but we don't really NEED to go, just finishing up probably...

That is until the occupational therapist gave me his evaluation of how he's doing. 

And reality gets to smack me in the face all over again with the clear message of "HELLO!  Your son has Autism!" I had clearly forgotten...almost. 

Sometimes you can run but you just can't hide. 

The fact is my son has autism and try as I would like to think he doesn't, he does.  Me burying my head in the sand doesn't seem to take that away.  Weird that doesn't work, right?

Sometimes it's really hard.  I am part of the strongest group of moms ever that I had always hoped I would never, ever would have to be a part of.  And yet I am learning after I get my head out of the sand to hold it high because, by golly, we are making it.  We are figuring this out.  

The broken windows. 

And the broken Nintendo 3DS. 

And the armrest that was bit through. 

All totally workable. 

And the evaluation that normally would have me locked in my house crying my eyes out?  Well I actually looked at the dern thing and believe it or not, we're at least making progress.  And that seems to be something to celebrate. 

Celebrate. What a word. 

Yes, I celebrate my son's autism. 

I celebrate that being gluten free is working, that he is talking and communicating more and we are able to help him in this small, super expensive way. 

I celebrate that I get to be his mom and he let's me snuggle.  Even if I have a three kiss rule to follow that he strictly enforces. 

And I will keep celebrating because there is so much to celebrate.  And there will continue to be.

Always.

When the Fun Starts Feeling Like a Job...

Again, life happens and I haven't been on here much.  I'm so lame.  

But more than that the transition to this new blog has left me feeling like this just wasn't fun anymore.  

Which just shouldn't be true.  

I love to write.  I was the girl who would ask to stay in from recess to write.  The girl who went to her diary first to scribble through tears.  I was born to write. 

So boo to this feeling like a job because this should be fun.  The reason I started this blog (in case you were wondering) is to keep a record of our family for me and for the kiddos to read when they are all grown up. 

And it is so edifying!  Recently my cousin who is also the web designer was able to transfer ALL of my old blog posts onto this site.  It was so fun to read through and see how God has moved in our lives. For example...

When Calvin was a year and a half old Nick lost his job.  It was horrible.  Joy sucking bad.  And the kids were young enough that we made a vow about (or at least figured we'd take a stab at) them not even knowing what was going on.  We didn't want anything to change for them.  So Nick stayed home but Emma still went to preschool and we still had Christmas and we muddled through. 

At least I thought we muddled through.  But looking back through those blog posts helped me to see how awesome we were doing.  We had apples to pick and pumpkins to carve along with picnics to celebrate with and "happy pumpkin carving" decorated cakes to enjoy.  We weren't starving, or scared in the pictures.  We were happy and laughing and enjoying watching how our babies were growing.  And so I have this blog to celebrate how far we've come and how much God can carry us through.  We are better, we are stronger, we are here.  And this blog can be a testament to that.  

And while that was why I started writing this blog I have continued writing this blog because I have had countless parents tell me through so many different avenues that our transparency in the struggles of homeschooling and autism and marriage and everything else is so nice to see.  Because when you are in the trenches it is so nice to sometimes hear someone else saying "geesh, this is just the worst."  Because sometimes it is.  And sometimes it's the best.  And I'll say that too.   

So I'm getting back into blogging.  Nick's head has hurt, our son has been crazy, I've been marketing a sale, organizing curriculum, planning a school year, and cleaning a house.  But mostly I've been with two little guys trying to find fun things to do as we celebrate the end of the summer and the welcoming of Autumn.  

May you find the joy in that too.