We always seem to have these times where we (by we I mean, he, I mean, Calvin) slide backwards and I don't really notice until there is one week that is utterly horrific. It's like a giant slap in the face that things are going terribly, terribly wrong.
This week has been one of those weeks...Cal's up all night. Irrational all day. temper tantrums. Screaming. Hurting himself. Obsessed with one thing all of the time. Over and over and over and over.
As you may remember Cal has been diagnosed with ADD and Apraxia of Speech. We also had not taken Autism off of the table.
So we went in yesterday to talk about yet another fun A-word: Asperger's.
Several questionaires and an evaluation by the doctor later and we were forced to have "the talk" as I always call that time.
Here's where we are at:
The doctor feels he's too young to be trapped under a diagnosis but she's 75-95% sure it's Asperger's. At this point only time will tell how far back he will regress, how mind numbingly frustrating this will all become. For now we are diagnosed as PDD-NOS, which is in the Autism Spectrum.
I'm in tears just writing this.
It is so frustrating as a parent watching your child's progress slide and there is nothing you can do. No rhyme or reason behind it. No clues as to how far this will go. No way to find out how they feel or what they are thinking. No way to know if they are happy. No way to tell if they love you. If they feel loved.
I don't know why a diagnosis affects me so much. Maybe it's the finality of it all. The "this is what he has and WILL have for the rest of his existence". Perhaps it's because my Mother-in-law has always intimated that there's nothing wrong with Cal, just that I lack any sort of parenting skills to deal with him. I guess in a sick, weird way I was hoping that woman was right. I was hoping the doctor would say "there is nothing wrong with this child."
But those aren't words I am going to hear. Ever. I don't know why I keep hoping. I guess it's that every present hope that we mother's have...whatever the brunt of the problem is, we want to take it on ourselves, not have it be upon our children.
Yesterday at the appointment the doctor recommended a Psychologist to try to help us figure out how to figure out Cal. We asked about a Family Counselor...to be honest this all is VERY trying on our marraige and family life: there is much too much fighting about how to deal with Cal.
Her answer was, "it will always be like this"...that alone made me want to curl into a ball and sob. You need a support system is what the Doctor's told me before...you're going to fall apart, YOUR MARRIAGE is going to fall apart at the seams if you don't have someone you can call for a break.
Yet therein lies another problem...there are no troops to call. My parents faithfully take the kids one evening a night which is heavenly! But they work and aren't available to come when I'm having one of those God-awful days or when Nick and I need to fight in ways other than whisper shouting at each other in the kitchen. And sadly our kids have been, for lack of a better word, overlooked by their other grandparent's since they now have other grandchildren. No friends, no family. No troops storming in to help. Goodness I wish my Aunt Jan lived closer. I bet she's bake a casserole. Or popcorn balls.
And so I sit here in the early morning hours after Nick goes to work. I read every self help book about Autism and Asperger's and ADD I can get my hands on. I wait for the storm we will inevitably have when Cal awakes. I wonder if I can make it through this day...I pray. Fervently I pray.
A couple of things I should say are this:
*I know that some of you may think I am over-reacting...that we haven't gotten an Actual diagnosis yet. But Nick and I are on the same page in believing, she's basically saying he has Asperger's...and we feel he has it too.
*I appologize if anything I have said is harsh...I may read this and realize that some of it isn't true. I'm not really in a state of mind right now to cover up harsh realities with sweet quips...it's my blog so you're getting my raw feelings right now.
*We wholehartedly know that things could be much, much worse. I am in no way taking this out of perspective or anything...I just feel people, no matter how severely their child struggles, all go through a mourning period of facing the fact that their child may never manifest themselves in all of those hopes and dreams you have when they are first born.
*We covet your prayers. For those of you who know me on Facebook, I honestly felt your prayers raining down on us yesterday while at the doctor. I felt more at peace than I usually do. Please keep those prayers coming! Pray for peace in our household and pray that we will have happy, healthy children...those are our goals overall.
Love you all...comment if you will :)
